What do you call a snowman who’s always asking questions? A Snow-it-all.
A snowstorm knocked out my Wi-Fi, and for a moment I wanted to pretend I was one of those rugged outdoorsy types. Then I remembered rugged people don’t cry when Netflix stops buffering.
I told my friend I slipped on the ice yesterday. He said, “That’s what happens when you try to skate without skates.” I said, “No, that’s what happens when you try to walk with dignity.”
What did the icy sidewalk say to the pedestrian?
“Slip happens.”
A snowman applied for a job. The interviewer asked, “What’s your greatest strength?” The snowman said, “I’m outstanding in my field.”
I saw a squirrel digging in the snow, and it looked at me like it knew I wasn’t prepared for winter either. We shared a moment of mutual panic before it scampered off to judge someone else.
I made a cup of hot chocolate, and for six glorious minutes, everything was perfect.
Then I stood up, spilled half of it on my socks, and remembered who I truly am.
The snowplow left a four-foot snow wall at the end of my driveway. I’m considering turning it into a castle and declaring independence from the rest of the neighborhood.
I tried to jog in the cold, but after two minutes my lungs sounded like creaky door hinges. I decided fitness could wait until April or possibly 2047.
I asked the ski instructor if I was improving. He said I was going downhill fast.
I bought one of those hand warmers, and now I rely on it more emotionally than physically.
It’s the closest thing to a supportive relationship I’ve had all winter.
My mailbox froze shut, which honestly feels like the universe protecting me from bills.
Winter is harsh, but sometimes it’s merciful.
My neighbor spent three hours building an elaborate snowman family in his front yard – a dad, mom, two kids, even a snow dog. That night it rained and the next morning they were just puddles. His actual family came outside, looked at the yard, and his wife said, “Well, that’s basically what happens to all families eventually.” He hasn’t built a snowman since.
My neighbor bragged about loving the cold, which is suspicious behavior in my opinion.
No one should be that excited about weather that hurts your face.
How does a snowman flirt? He gives you the cold shoulder… then warms up with a hug.
I went to a winter survivalist training course last year. The instructor kept saying “there’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing.” So on the last day, I showed up in a Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops. Turns out there is such a thing as bad students, and I was no longer welcome.
My wife opens the bedroom window every winter “just a crack” for fresh air.
When I asked why we can’t close it, she said, “Cold air improves sleep quality.”
I said, “Does it also improve marriage quality? Because right now I’m spooning the radiator.”
I decided to start winter bird watching as a hobby. Spent $200 on binoculars, a guide book, and warm gear. Went out every morning for a week. Saw exactly three pigeons and a plastic bag that I followed for ten minutes thinking it was a rare bird.
My gym has a sauna, and in winter the parking lot becomes this bizarre social experiment. People sprint from their cars in tank tops and shorts through sub-zero temperatures to get to the sauna. We’re literally running through winter to sit in artificial summer. Evolution did not prepare us for this level of irony.
My car’s “winter emergency kit” that I put together in November is basically just a confession that I’ve given up. There’s a blanket, some granola bars, a flashlight with dead batteries, and a note that says “I’m sorry” to whoever finds me. My wife found it and said, “This is the most ‘you’ thing I’ve ever seen.” Not sure how to take that.
Every year I tell myself I’m going to embrace winter and try a new snow sport. Last year I tried snowshoeing. I made it about 200 feet before I realized I was just walking slowly while looking ridiculous.
I signed up for a winter photography class to take beautiful pictures of snow-covered landscapes. The instructor kept talking about “golden hour” and “perfect light conditions.” I waited outside in -15 degree weather for golden hour. My phone died in three minutes. My regular camera froze. I got one blurry photo of my own breath. The instructor said it had “interesting texture.” I think he was being kind.
I tried making snow ice cream with my kids like my grandmother used to make. We gathered fresh snow, added vanilla and sugar, and it tasted like frozen sadness and car exhaust. Turns out snow in the suburbs isn’t the same as snow on my grandmother’s farm in 1950. My kids asked if we could just have regular ice cream. Even they know when to quit. But I ate mine anyway out of principle. The principle of poor decision-making.
