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10 Worst Atlas Shrugged Jokes

Ayn Rand wrote Atlas Shrugged to inspire us, but all I got was 1,000 pages of people talking about themselves.

In Atlas Shrugged, people are either geniuses or villains.
I’m still trying to figure out which category my grocery cashier falls into.

Some people read Atlas Shrugged for philosophy.
I read it to practice my “pretending to understand complex sentences” skills.

Atlas Shrugged proves one thing: even fictional trains can be more reliable than my Wi-Fi.

Dagny Taggert’s dating profile says: “Looking for someone who won’t derail my plans.”

I tried quoting Atlas Shrugged at a party.
Everyone nodded politely, then slowly backed away.

John Galt doesn’t do small talk. He does 60-page monologues.

If Atlas Shrugged taught me anything, it’s that punctuation is optional when you’re a genius.

In Atlas Shrugged, everyone is exceptional.
Meanwhile, I once spilled coffee on my laptop and the world kept spinning.

People asked, “Who is John Galt?”
I ask, “Who has the time to finish this book?”

John Galt doesn’t shrug—he gives TED Talks that last a week.

After reading Atlas Shrugged, I now know: the world will collapse without the talented.
But apparently, also without commas.

By the time you finish Atlas Shrugged, you either understand philosophy… or you understand why people read Wikipedia summaries.

If you think modern emails are long-winded, try 1,200 pages of industrial monologues.

Dagny Taggart walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve railroad executives.” Dagny replies, “That’s fine, I’ll build my own bar.”

Hank Rearden tried yoga. The instructor said, “Relax.” Hank replied, “Relaxation is for looters.”

Reading Atlas Shrugged is like running a marathon: you finish, but you’re not sure why.

Francisco dAnconia’s pickup line: “Baby, I’ll collapse the economy just for you.”

James Taggart tried to play Monopoly. He demanded government subsidies for Boardwalk.

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Worst Sabrina Carpenter Story

Sabrina Carpenter and the Cursed Microphone

Enjoy this eccentric story involving Sabrina Carpenter contributed by AI:

One day, Sabrina was just minding her business—sipping on an oat milk latte, wearing sunglasses too big for her face (on purpose), and humming the hook to “Feather” in a Whole Foods, as one does.

That’s when she saw it.

An ancient, dusty microphone sitting in the clearance bin between gluten-free tortilla chips and essential oils labeled “for Mercury retrograde.” Naturally, she bought it. It was only $4.99 and said “Enchanted—Do Not Use Unless Absolutely Vibing.”

So obviously… she used it immediately.

The moment Sabrina sang into the mic, a puff of glitter exploded, and BOOM—she was cursed.

From then on, every time she tried to sing a song live, the microphone would translate her lyrics into chaotic confessions. Not just any confessions—ultra specific, mildly incriminating ones.

Her song “Nonsense” suddenly became:

🎤 “I once DM’d my own fan account / Just to feel something / I ghosted Timothée / ‘Cause I forgot to respond—Oops!”

Fans were obsessed. Each show became a treasure hunt for unhinged one-liners.
TikTok exploded with the hashtag: #SabrinaSaidWHAT

But things spiraled.

At Coachella, mid-ballad, the mic blurted:

🎤 “I think about cheese when I kiss cute boys!”

By then, her team tried to burn the mic.
It regenerated in her dressing room. Wearing a tiny crop top.

They buried it in the desert.
It showed up in her tote bag next to lip gloss and petty thoughts.

In the end, Sabrina embraced it. She launched a cursed mic line on her merch store. It sold out in 45 seconds. One mic was sent to Olivia Rodrigo by accident. No one has heard from her since.

And to this day, Sabrina tours the world, dropping chaotic mic bars like:

🎤 “He said he’s 6 foot / But I measured—liar.”
🎤 “My toxic trait is pretending I’m shy.”
🎤 “I texted my ex from my cat’s phone.”

And the mic?
Still cursed. Still fabulous.

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Worst Leonardo DiCaprio Story

Leonardo DiCaprio and the Great Yacht Goose Chase

AI-Generated Goofy Story

It was a sunny day in the Mediterranean, and Leonardo DiCaprio was enjoying his favorite pastime: lounging on a yacht large enough to have its own postal code. As usual, he was surrounded by his inner circle—an elite crew of environmentalists, models under the age of 25, and one guy named Jeff who no one really knew but always brought good hummus.

Leo, in between bites of sustainably-sourced avocado toast, stood up suddenly and stared out to sea.

“I just had a vision,” he declared, squinting dramatically. “There’s a goose out there. A rare goose. Possibly endangered. It needs me.”

Everyone stopped sipping their eco-friendly kombucha.

“Leo, are you sure?” asked Gisele 2.0 (no relation, just a model name trend).

“Positive,” said Leo, throwing on a captain’s hat he’d found on the set of The Great Gatsby. “To the Goose!”

The crew scrambled. The yacht’s engine roared to life, and soon they were zigzagging across the Mediterranean in what TMZ would later call “the most luxurious avian rescue mission of the decade.”

For hours they chased every bird they saw. Seagulls, pelicans, even a confused kite someone released at a coastal birthday party.

At one point, Leo grabbed binoculars and shouted, “I SEE IT! THE GOLDEN GOOSE!”

“Leo, that’s a floatie.”

“No… it’s fate.”

Eventually, they docked at a small island where the goose was supposedly last seen. As the team combed the beach, Leo spotted a footprint. A single, webbed, slightly sandy footprint.

“Guys,” he whispered, tears in his eyes. “We’re not too late.”

Just then, a local farmer wandered by.

“Lookin’ for the goose?” he asked.

Leo gasped. “Yes! Have you seen it?”

The farmer scratched his head. “You mean Geraldine? She’s my pet. Got a little hat and everything. Wanna meet her?”

Cut to Leo, sitting in a beach chair, feeding grapes to a goose in a straw hat named Geraldine while softly humming My Heart Will Go On.

Later that night, Leo made an impassioned Instagram post about goose conservation, gained 2 million more followers, and Geraldine got a modeling contract with Gucci.

The world was saved. Again.

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Worst Explanation of Physics

Michio Kaku Explains Physics in a Compact Way

I asked AI, “If Michio Kaku was asked to explain physics in a very entertaining way, what would he say?”

Keep in mind, this is not really Dr. Kaku speaking. It’s an AI interpretation of what he might say.

“Physics is just the universe’s user manual… written in hieroglyphics and hidden under a black hole.” Imagine you’re trying to understand your toaster, except your toaster is powered by quantum fields, occasionally behaves like a wave, and might vanish into another dimension if you’re not looking at it. That’s physics! We ask the big questions, like: “What happened before the Big Bang?” Spoiler alert: there was no before. Time took the day off.

At the atomic level, things get weird. Electrons don’t orbit the nucleus like planets; they jitter around like caffeinated toddlers in a bounce house, only showing up when you try to measure them. It’s called the “observer effect,” and it basically means the universe is a shy teenager—nothing happens unless you’re watching, and even then, it lies to you about what it was doing five seconds ago.

Einstein told us that space and time are like a stretchy fabric. If you put something heavy on it—like a star, a planet, or your cousin Gary after Thanksgiving dinner—it bends! That’s gravity. It’s not just stuff falling—it’s space saying, “Come this way, my squishy friend.” GPS systems literally have to account for time running differently in space, or you’ll end up in the wrong Starbucks.

And let’s not forget string theory, my personal favorite. It says that the tiniest particles aren’t dots—they’re vibrating strings, like little cosmic violin notes. If it’s right, then the universe is a symphony, and we’re all dancing to a tune played in 11 dimensions. Either that, or I’ve had way too much coffee. Probably both.

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Worst Abigail Breslin Story

Abigail Breslin Space Opera

AI-Generated Goofy Story

Abigail Breslin woke up one morning to find a very polite ferret wearing a monocle sitting on her kitchen counter. It was sipping espresso from her favorite mug and reading The Economist. “Good morning, Miss Breslin,” the ferret said with a British accent. “I’ve been sent by the International Council of Unexpected Fame to inform you that you’ve been selected to host the Intergalactic Spelling Bee this afternoon.” Abigail blinked twice, checked her calendar (nothing but “Buy cheese” at 3 p.m.), and said, “Yeah, sure, why not.”

Two hours later, she was whisked away in a hover-van shaped like a saxophone and flown to a floating arena just outside of Saturn. The audience was made up entirely of sentient vegetables—mostly disgruntled asparagus—who booed every time someone spelled “rhubarb” incorrectly. Abigail, wearing a glittering cape made of old VHS tape, stood at the mic trying to keep a straight face as a contestant named Zzlorp, a gelatinous cube from Neptune, confidently spelled “onomatopoeia” by burping in Morse code.

Midway through the event, a rebellious turnip tried to storm the stage yelling, “Spelling is oppression!” but was gently tasered by a floating jellyfish security guard wearing a tiny hat. Abigail handled it like a pro, offering the turnip a juice box and a hug. “I was in Little Miss Sunshine, I can handle chaos,” she muttered under her breath as she called the next contestant, a tap-dancing slug with a lisp.

When the bee ended, the Council gifted her a certificate, a holographic high-five, and a coupon for one free taco anywhere in the Milky Way. As she returned to Earth, she tweeted: “I just hosted a spelling bee in space. Someone please explain the ferret.” The tweet got 4.3 million likes and a confused response from NASA that simply read, “We’re looking into it.”

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Worst Johnny Depp Pirate Story

When I asked AI to write a short story involving Johnny Depp, this is what I got:

One sunny morning in the Caribbean, Johnny Depp—still dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow long after the movies ended—decided he was tired of acting and would now be a real-life pirate. But not the plundering kind. No, no. He would be the Robin Hood of the seas… the Coconut Bandit.

He sailed a tiny ship called The S.S. Eyeliner (named for its impressive collection of waterproof makeup) and roamed from island to island… stealing coconuts. Not for himself, of course, but for the island parrots who, according to him, were “desperately under-caffeinated.”

On one island, he was caught red-handed mid-heist by a group of confused tourists. Instead of running, Johnny tipped his hat, handed them each a coconut smoothie, and said, “Compliments of the Caribbean’s most charming criminal.”

Word spread quickly. Soon, people wanted to be robbed. Villagers left out baskets of fruit. Tourists followed him like he was a tropical Santa Claus. And parrots? They adored him. One even tried to marry him. (It was awkward. He politely declined.)

To this day, legend has it that if you’re on a beach and hear the gentle thrum of a ukulele, you might catch a glimpse of Johnny Depp, still out there, swiping coconuts, sipping smoothies, and giving fist bumps to every parrot he sees.

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Worst Justin Bieber Story

Justin Bieber and the Jellybean Adventure

AI-Generated Funny Story

It was an ordinary day for Justin Bieber. Well, as ordinary as a day can get when you’re Justin Bieber, living in the spotlight, and dealing with millions of fans who think your every move is a headline.

But today? Today was different. Justin had a very important mission ahead of him: He was about to try every single flavor of jellybean at a candy store. Why? Because, according to him, it was the perfect way to embrace his inner child and do something “totally normal”.

So, he walked into a candy shop, where a large display of jellybeans gleamed at him like a beacon. There was every flavor imaginable. And Justin? Well, he was feeling adventurous.

The first jellybean he grabbed was labeled “Cotton Candy,” a classic. He popped it in his mouth. “Okay, okay, this is easy,” he said to no one in particular, nodding. “I’m a jellybean pro.”

Then, the next one which had a light green color.

“…What?” Justin stared at the jellybean suspiciously but shrugged. “You only live once, right?”

He bit into it, and his eyes immediately went wide. “Oh, NOPE. This is a disaster,” he grimaced, spitting it out into a napkin.

The shopkeeper chuckled from behind the counter. “Yeah, that one’s… not for the faint of heart.”

“Well, what flavor is this?” Justin asked.

“Pickle juice smoothie.”

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Worst Miley Cyrus Story

Miley Cyrus Revisiting the Wrecking Ball

AI-Generated Funny Story

Miley Cyrus woke up with one thought on her mind: “I need to make a grand entrance today.”

She stumbled into the backyard, wearing almost nothing, because why not? It was her house, and the whole “waking up in a bed of chaos” vibe was kind of her thing. Then her eyes landed on her old wrecking ball.

She grinned. “Well, it has been a while.”

Without hesitation, Miley grabbed the nearest rope, tied it around the wrecking ball, and set it swinging like she was about to create a viral moment. Except this time, it wasn’t a music video. Nope. Today, it was all about her casual backyard adventure.

She climbed the ladder, and as she swung onto the ball, Miley felt the freedom of the wind in her hair and the giddiness of what was definitely going to be another chaotic morning.

Suddenly, her neighbor popped his head over the fence. “Miley, what are you doing this time?”

Miley, mid-swing, flashed him a grin. “Just having a moment of reflection… but also, full commitment to the bit!”

The neighbor stared, his jaw practically on the floor. “You’re, uh… almost naked on that thing, Miley.”

Miley raised her eyebrows. “Nearly naked? I prefer the term ‘freedom fighter.’”

She swung higher, laughing like a kid on Christmas morning, when—BOOM!—she accidentally hit a tree branch and got stuck.

“Huh. This wasn’t in the plan,” she said, dangling upside down, still grinning. “Well, at least it’s only me who can pull off this kind of misadventure.”

Her neighbor slowly backed away. “You know what? I’m calling Dolly—she’s got to have some advice for you.”

Miley just laughed, “Yeah, call Dolly. She’ll probably want to try it next.”

See also 10 Worst Miley Cyrus Jokes.

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Worst Billie Eilish Story

Enjoy this weird bit of AI-generated fiction.

Billie Eilish walks into a pet store, oversized hoodie dragging slightly on the floor. She’s here on a mission—to find the perfect weird pet. “Something unsettling but also kinda cute,” she tells the bewildered employee.

“How about a hamster?” he offers.

Billie narrows her icy blue eyes. “Too predictable.”

“A parrot?”

Billie smirks. “Too chatty. I don’t need competition.”

The employee hesitates before pointing to the corner of the store, where a single, unimpressed tarantula sits in a glass case. Billie gasps. “Yes.” She presses her face to the glass. “You and me, we understand each other.” The tarantula does not react, because it is a tarantula.

Minutes later, Billie walks out, victorious, with a new eight-legged friend in a small box. She names it “Little Nightmare” and immediately introduces it to her brother, Finneas, who, upon opening the box, lets out a scream so high-pitched it could be sampled into their next album.

“Perfect,” Billie says, nodding approvingly.

See also 10 Worst Billie Eilish Jokes.

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Worst Trucker Fiction

by Jeff Napier

Wham! My truck was just sitting at a red light, waiting to turn left. A drunken fool careened around the corner at a high rate of speed. Watching in horror, there was nothing I could do. He hit the bumper of my truck, spun around, and hit a parked car. Fortunately, no one was hurt, but that wrecked my lifelong plan.

Coming from the wrong side of the tracks and raised by a single mother, poverty was no stranger. Not only that, but my grandparents never had any money. I was going to break the cycle. In my last years of high school, I looked around for a job. What could a black girl without the means of a college education do? Because of details in my mother’s past and her remarkably low credit score, a student loan was not possible.

I could become a hairdresser but that really wasn’t my thing. How about a massage practitioner? Maybe get a job at a hotel? No, not for me. One day it occurred to me that driving a truck might be nice.

That was it! That was something I could do and it would get me out of the projects. For those who don’t know, that’s the ghetto, the worst of the ghetto. I’d wanted to get way out. Like, what if I could get one of those jobs where I’m driving all over the country? How cool is that?

But there was a roadblock. Truck driving school. There was no money. Practically in tears for days, it hadn’t occurred to me that one didn’t have to start out with a big truck. What about driving for Uber? No, that wouldn’t work because I didn’t have a car. Maybe driving a delivery van for Amazon? Maybe after doing some sort of delivery work for a while, I would have the money to go to trucking school.

It turned out that getting a job with Amazon was ridiculously easy. It paid really well too, or at least for a girl like me, allowing me to start saving for driving school. It took me nearly a year, since my brother stole my savings for his drug habit about six months in.

Let me tell you, hopping in and out of a truck fifty times a day with packages is strenuous work. And people with their dogs. Some people just don’t control them! I still have a little scar on my thigh. But it was a job, and it fit a plan. I stuck with it.

Well, eventually I did learn to drive a big truck. My first real trucking job was a ten-wheeler dump truck. Even though it was just back and forth from a quarry to construction sites, it made me happy, and it was making good money.

In time, my dream job came along, commanding an 18-wheeler. I just loved double-clutching and floating the gears with that 13-speed Spicer transmission. Sitting high up over all the other traffic was a delight. And, what a kick, traveling in these United States of ours. The windshield was like a peaceful, never-ending movie. Even the rattly, throaty sounds of a big diesel engine was enjoyable. I was in heaven.

Until that drunk bent my bumper. You’d think that would be a minor thing, but here’s what happened. The company fired me instantly. It seems if you’ve been in an accident that involves two or more other vehicles, that’s their policy. It didn’t matter that the truck was completely stopped, the drunk hit me, then smashed into a parked car.

Worse, a couple of minutes after the crash, a cop showed up on the scene and gave me a ticket. Yes, a ticket for forgetting to turn on my emergency flashers. Can you believe it? OK, so the police officer was white, and I’m black. Well, I don’t want to think about that.

So, guess what? You can’t get hired as a trucker with a recent violation.

Days of unemployment turned into weeks and then into months. All the beautiful money in my savings account was gone. I had been so proud of the used Toyota Camry I recently purchased. but had to sell it. Sure, it was ten years old, but it was MY car!

My addict brother came through for me for once, and gave me some money for groceries. Then, he tried to convince me I could make some money by selling drugs. Yeah, right, like I’d ever do that. I’d rather literally die of poverty.

A food stamps application was in process. The rent was overdue so next was going to be moving back in with Mom. And here I thought I could get out of the projects. Well, the joke was on me and I started crying once again.

Checking the Internet daily for driving jobs, at that point, anything would do. Even if I could get the Amazon job back, that would have been a big relief.

On the worst day of my life, when it seemed every door had closed, I came across a funny little ad on Craigslist. Some guy wanted someone who was familiar with driving big vehicles, but could also cook and do ‘light domestic chores.’ Weird, eh?

In fact it was kind of spooky. What was up with that? Maybe it was about driving a truck full of household or kitchen product samples, and demonstrating them. I didn’t even want to think of other possibilities. If things had been different, I’d never answer such an ad.

The guy wrote back. Once he told me the details, I felt sick to my stomach. This guy was definitely a creep.

He said he had purchased a big diesel motorhome because he was some sort of pickleball player, whatever that was. He said he drove his motorhome once, immediately tore off the air horn under a low-hanging branch and that driving it scared him. He wanted someone to drive it so he could go to pickleball events all over the country. He wanted the driver to make him meals, keep the motorhome clean, wash his clothes, and so on. Sort of a rolling butler.

Yeah, so what else did he want? This was horrible. But at that point, any job was better than no job. So, I took the bus and walked a mile to his place in the hot afternoon sun for an interview.

There was fear about going into his house, but what could I do? I was thinking once I was inside, he could do anything. It was a big house, out in the Brighton neighborhood. He obviously had a dollar or two.

For a white guy, he was pretty good-looking. He did have a nice smile. Sparkly eyes, too. When emailing with him, it seemed like he might be some 50-year-old masher, but no, he was only one year older than me.

Well, we got to talking, and it wasn’t horrible. In fact, we talked over an hour, and I was actually starting to believe this guy could be OK. We walked back behind his house, and there was his motorhome. It was a big, tall, 40-foot long, shiny diesel beauty built on a Freightliner chassis. It was no tractor-trailer but I wouldn’t mind driving that thing, even if it did have an automatic transmission.

He told me a little about this pickleball stuff. He said it was like a cross between ping-pong and tennis. It didn’t sound very interesting to me, but you know how people are. They take an interest in something like tropical fish or rollerblading and they become obsessed.

As evening was approaching we worked out that I’d drive just him once, to a pickleball tournament near Chicago, a three-day trip starting two days from then. After making it clear that there was to be no funny business, I foolishly believed that he would be a gentleman. Maybe it’s because I needed the job so badly. Still, all I was promising was this one drive to Chicago.

I had to catch the last bus home. He got a funny look on his face, like, he understood my situation even though I hadn’t really told him the details. He said, “Why don’t you drive the motorhome to your place then bring it back the day after tomorrow?”

“Oh, I couldn’t.”

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his wallet. Thinking he was going to give me his business card or something, he handed me four $100 bills. “Here, take the motorhome, get yourself a nice meal, then fill it with organic groceries tomorrow. Oh, and keep the change.”

We were standing in the motorhome at the time. Something went wrong. My eyes filled with tears, my knees felt weak, causing me to slump down onto a sofa, crying my eyes out. He sat next to me, tentatively put one arm around me and patiently waited until I could speak.

“I know, I know,” is all he said.

We did go to Chicago. The drive was pleasant. He sat in the passenger seat most of the time. We talked, but it was all pleasant surface stuff. Nothing deep. I was supposed to be doing his domestic chores, but on that drive, he made me sandwiches and seemed attentive to my every need. He did spend way too much time explaining pickleball to me. I didn’t get it. Why would anyone want to play something that was like tennis, but it wasn’t tennis?

On the way, we stopped at RV campgrounds. I had never done anything like that before, having to learn about hooking up the electricity, water hose, and all that. Oh, you should have seen the mess I made while disconnecting the sewer hose the next morning.

What about sleeping arrangements, you ask? True to his word, Jimmy was a real gentleman. He had a bedroom in the back of the rig. It had a full queen-size bed. He showed me how a sofa pulls out in the front, handed me some sheets, blankets and pillows out of a cabinet, then went into his back bedroom and closed the door.

When we arrived at the tournament, he introduced me to a bunch of other pickleball players as his driver. If any of them raised eyebrows, I didn’t see it. I returned to the motorhome and tidied up while he got ready for his first game.

Coming back out to watch, I didn’t really understand the game. It had a weird scoring system with three parts like “four-seven-two.” He and a partner lost badly, that much was clear. It didn’t seem to phase him, he was smiling as much after the game as before. He was likeable, but he was a weirdo.

That job lasted well over a year, until things changed which you’ll find out about in a minute. He found tournaments from east coast to west, although mostly sticking to Southern California that winter. Even though he wasn’t a very good player, he was so affable. Everyone loved Jim.

Details slowly became clear. It seems Jim had gone to college for software engineering. While still a student he built a small, social media website competing in a minor way with the likes of Facebook and Twitter. To everyone’s surprise, including his own, Meta, the company that includes Facebook, bought his little website for many millions of dollars. He retired at age 22. Except he didn’t really retire. He kind of brokers websites by other developers, and somehow continues to make more money.

In time, Jimmy got me out on a pickleball court. I was terrible at it, literally swinging and entirely missing the ball a few times. At one point I fell and scraped a knee. But we and a couple of other players were laughing, and carrying on, and having a good time. Pickleball wasn’t awful. In fact it was kind of fun, and wouldn’t you know, I started playing it regularly?

I became Jimmy’s doubles partner. Truth be told, I’m better at it than he is. He doesn’t seem to mind one bit. Among our many tournaments around the country, Jimmy also visited with coaches, and he became a better player, but still, he doesn’t have what you might call natural ability. But mostly, we play. We play just recreational games with other people, but also at the tournaments. We seldom win, but we always have fun.

I still love driving. He and I will sit up in the front of the motorhome just discussing anything and everything as the miles roll by. We’ll see mountains and fields, ponds and rivers, people here, and people there. When we get to our destinations, we’ll go to museums and tourist attractions. We’ll visit with pickleball players in their homes. It’s a wonderful life.

Now, I love pickleball as much as Jim does.

And, I love Jim as much as pickleball. More. We innocently kissed a few times during the past couple of months, and last Friday, that kissing really turned into something. For the first time, I slept in the bed in the back of the motorhome, not on the pull-out sofa.

Recent news:

We were married in February. We’ve been discussing the possibility of raising children on the road in our motorhome.

Discover many more articles about pickleball at OddPickleball.com


Jimmy’s motorhome


The author’s motorhome