Category: Weather

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10 Worst Jokes About Los Angeles

The hiking culture in LA is intense. People wake up at 5 AM to climb a mountain before work, take 47 photos at the top, post them with #blessed, then don’t exercise again for two weeks. But they wear athleisure every single day to maintain the illusion of being active.

I moved to LA and told people I was a writer. They asked what restaurant I work at. I said I actually make a living writing. They asked what my trust fund situation was. I said I don’t have one. They slowly backed away like I had a contagious disease.
Los Angeles is the only city where someone will honk at you, flip you off, and then ask you to follow their TikTok.

I tried to take public transit in L.A. once.
My friends acted like I said, “I’m sailing to work on the back of a dragon.”

I met a guy who said he was “in the industry.” Turns out he sells popcorn at the movies.

I went to a networking event in LA and everyone introduced themselves with their elevator pitch. “I’m a creative entrepreneur exploring the intersection of wellness and blockchain.” Nobody has a job. Everyone has a vision. I said I was a dentist and people literally walked away mid-conversation.

In Los Angeles, a “walkable neighborhood” just means “there’s at least one sidewalk that isn’t closed for filming.”

In Los Angeles, traffic reports aren’t news—they’re just weather forecasts for cars.

LA has two seasons: “sunny” and “slightly less sunny.”

I asked someone if it ever rains in LA. They said, “Only in movies.”

People in LA don’t ask “How are you?” They ask, “What’s your screenplay about?”

I ordered a burger in LA. They asked, “Do you want it vegan, gluten-free, or spiritually aligned?”

My friend asked if I’d go hiking in L.A. I said sure — then discovered hiking is just walking uphill while apologizing to joggers who pass you.

L.A. has seasons:
Fire, Mudslide, Awards, and Slightly Cooler.

In Los Angeles, even the pigeons have agents.
One tried to give me his headshot at a bus stop.

GPS in L.A. doesn’t give directions; it whispers supportive affirmations like, “You’re doing great, sweetie.”

I asked a barista in L.A. for a simple black coffee.
She said, “Emotionally, spiritually, or photographically?”

In Los Angeles, you’re never more than six feet from someone writing a screenplay — and four feet from someone pretending they’re not writing a screenplay.

In L.A., a “neighborhood watch” is just people recording everything on their phones.

Every time there’s a tiny earthquake in L.A., residents jump on Instagram like they survived a medieval siege.

Los Angeles is the only city where you can sit in a traffic jam for 40 minutes and still be considered “close by.”

When someone in L.A. says, “I’m five minutes away,” they mean it emotionally, not physically.

In Los Angeles, “cold weather” means someone had to wear sleeves.

I went to a party in the Hollywood Hills and the host gave everyone a tour of their home, including showing us which bathroom celebrities had used when they visited. “This is where a guy from a Geico commercial once washed his hands.”

I asked someone in L.A. where they were from and they said, “Oh, I’m an actor.”

Yoga classes in L.A. have levels: Beginner, Advanced, and “Influencer.”

I tried ordering a soda in Los Angeles, and the server said, “We only have kombucha, mushroom tonics, and positive energy drinks.”

The concept of being “on time” doesn’t exist in LA. If someone says they’ll be there at 7, they mean 7:45, but also they might not come at all. “I’m five minutes away” is a complete work of fiction. They haven’t left their house. They might not even be in the same city.

Every store in L.A. has valet parking — even the ones with two parking spots.

Every apartment building in LA has a rooftop pool that looks amazing in photos but is always closed for “maintenance” or filled with three inches of water and leaves.

Only in Los Angeles can you buy an $18 smoothie and still feel like you got a good deal.

Everyone in LA claims they “don’t really watch TV” but can quote every episode of every prestige drama from the past decade. “Oh, I don’t own a TV” they say, while simultaneously referencing obscure plot points from Succession.

LA people will tell you they’re “in the industry” and get offended if you ask which industry. There’s only one industry. If you work in literally anything else, you’re a civilian. I’m a software engineer and someone asked me when I was going to “get a real career.”

Hollywood is the place where dreams come true — and also where dreams hold auditions and get rejected.

In most cities, the weather forecast changes.
In Los Angeles, the forecast just says, “Still sunny.”

I asked a local about earthquakes and he said, “They’re not scary unless they spill your latte.”

In L.A., even the palm trees look like they’re posing for an influencer collab.

The ocean in L.A. is beautiful — you just have to get past the tourists, the fog, the traffic, and the existential dread.

Los Angeles is the only place where your neighbor’s dog has more Instagram followers than you.

LA has a store that only sells crystals and the sales person told me which crystal would align my chakras and improve my career prospects. I asked if they had one that would help me pay rent. She didn’t laugh. She showed me citrine. It was $140. I bought it. I’m part of the problem.

I’ve been in LA for five years and I still can’t figure out what anyone actually does for work. People have job titles like “Creative Strategist” or “Brand Alchemist” or “Wellness Consultant.” I asked someone to explain what they do and they talked for 10 minutes and I still have no idea. They might be unemployed. They might be a millionaire. In LA, it’s impossible to tell the difference.

See also: Worst Name for a City.

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10 Worst Jokes About Winter

What do you call a snowman who’s always asking questions? A Snow-it-all.

A snowstorm knocked out my Wi-Fi, and for a moment I wanted to pretend I was one of those rugged outdoorsy types. Then I remembered rugged people don’t cry when Netflix stops buffering.

I told my friend I slipped on the ice yesterday. He said, “That’s what happens when you try to skate without skates.” I said, “No, that’s what happens when you try to walk with dignity.”

What did the icy sidewalk say to the pedestrian?
“Slip happens.”

A snowman applied for a job. The interviewer asked, “What’s your greatest strength?” The snowman said, “I’m outstanding in my field.”

I saw a squirrel digging in the snow, and it looked at me like it knew I wasn’t prepared for winter either. We shared a moment of mutual panic before it scampered off to judge someone else.

I made a cup of hot chocolate, and for six glorious minutes, everything was perfect.
Then I stood up, spilled half of it on my socks, and remembered who I truly am.

The snowplow left a four-foot snow wall at the end of my driveway. I’m considering turning it into a castle and declaring independence from the rest of the neighborhood.

I tried to jog in the cold, but after two minutes my lungs sounded like creaky door hinges. I decided fitness could wait until April or possibly 2047.

I asked the ski instructor if I was improving. He said I was going downhill fast.

I bought one of those hand warmers, and now I rely on it more emotionally than physically.
It’s the closest thing to a supportive relationship I’ve had all winter.

My mailbox froze shut, which honestly feels like the universe protecting me from bills.
Winter is harsh, but sometimes it’s merciful.

My neighbor spent three hours building an elaborate snowman family in his front yard – a dad, mom, two kids, even a snow dog. That night it rained and the next morning they were just puddles. His actual family came outside, looked at the yard, and his wife said, “Well, that’s basically what happens to all families eventually.” He hasn’t built a snowman since.

My neighbor bragged about loving the cold, which is suspicious behavior in my opinion.
No one should be that excited about weather that hurts your face.

How does a snowman flirt? He gives you the cold shoulder… then warms up with a hug.

I went to a winter survivalist training course last year. The instructor kept saying “there’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing.” So on the last day, I showed up in a Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops. Turns out there is such a thing as bad students, and I was no longer welcome.

My wife opens the bedroom window every winter “just a crack” for fresh air.
When I asked why we can’t close it, she said, “Cold air improves sleep quality.”
I said, “Does it also improve marriage quality? Because right now I’m spooning the radiator.”

I decided to start winter bird watching as a hobby. Spent $200 on binoculars, a guide book, and warm gear. Went out every morning for a week. Saw exactly three pigeons and a plastic bag that I followed for ten minutes thinking it was a rare bird.

My gym has a sauna, and in winter the parking lot becomes this bizarre social experiment. People sprint from their cars in tank tops and shorts through sub-zero temperatures to get to the sauna. We’re literally running through winter to sit in artificial summer. Evolution did not prepare us for this level of irony.

My car’s “winter emergency kit” that I put together in November is basically just a confession that I’ve given up. There’s a blanket, some granola bars, a flashlight with dead batteries, and a note that says “I’m sorry” to whoever finds me. My wife found it and said, “This is the most ‘you’ thing I’ve ever seen.” Not sure how to take that.

Every year I tell myself I’m going to embrace winter and try a new snow sport. Last year I tried snowshoeing. I made it about 200 feet before I realized I was just walking slowly while looking ridiculous.

I signed up for a winter photography class to take beautiful pictures of snow-covered landscapes. The instructor kept talking about “golden hour” and “perfect light conditions.” I waited outside in -15 degree weather for golden hour. My phone died in three minutes. My regular camera froze. I got one blurry photo of my own breath. The instructor said it had “interesting texture.” I think he was being kind.

I tried making snow ice cream with my kids like my grandmother used to make. We gathered fresh snow, added vanilla and sugar, and it tasted like frozen sadness and car exhaust. Turns out snow in the suburbs isn’t the same as snow on my grandmother’s farm in 1950. My kids asked if we could just have regular ice cream. Even they know when to quit. But I ate mine anyway out of principle. The principle of poor decision-making.

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Loudest Science Experiments

For centuries, people observed that heavy rains often followed major military battles, a phenomenon noted as early as Plutarch in ancient Rome and seen again during the Napoleonic Wars and the American Civil War.

In 1871, a civil engineer and Civil War veteran named Edward Powers published War and the Weather, popularizing the Concussion Theory. He argued that the violent shockwaves and noise of artillery fire “shook” moisture out of clouds or forced opposing air currents to collide.

This led to real-world, government-funded experiments:

The 1891 “Boom” Expeditions: In 1890, the U.S. Congress appropriated funds for the Department of Agriculture to test the theory. Patent attorney Robert St. George Dyrenforth took a team to drought-stricken Texas.

Explosive Arsenal: Dyrenforth’s team attacked the sky using mortars, cannons, tons of dynamite, electrified kites, and oxy-hydrogen balloons detonated aloft.

The Result: The tests were deafening and completely ineffective. While occasional sprinkles fell days later—usually during Texas’s normal rainy season—the scientific consensus deemed it a total failure. Press coverage mocked Dyrenforth, dubbing him General “Dry-Henceforth.”

Why Does Rain Actually Follow Battles?

The modern understanding relies on two main factors:

Particulate Nucleation (The Smoke Effect): Heavy artillery and burning black powder release vast amounts of smoke, soot, and ash particles (condensation nuclei) into the atmosphere. Water vapor condenses around these particles, forming droplets that turn into clouds and rain. Modern cloud-seeding (using silver iodide) relies on a refined version of this principle.

Selection Bias & Military Strategy: Historically, commanders rarely initiated major tactical engagements during active downpours due to mud, poor visibility, and damp gunpowder. Battles were fought during dry spells ahead of moving weather fronts; rain naturally arrived shortly afterward regardless of artillery.

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Worst Rainstorm

One day in August 1892, in Panderborn, Germany, it started to rain. This rainstorm was unusual because somehow there were thousands of snails caught up in the clouds and they all came crashing down with their shells breaking to bits as they hit the ground. This weird event was formally recorded and analyzed by meteorologists at the time.

While it sounds like something straight out of a folklore tale, there are multiple documented historical accounts of “snail showers”.

A couple other notable historical occurrences include:

Redruth, Cornwall, England (1886): A violent thunderstorm darkened the sky over the town and showered thousands of live snails over the countryside.

Chester, Pennsylvania, USA (1870): A storm dropped so many snails over the city that local accounts described it as a dense “storm within a storm”.

How Does It Actually Happen?

It isn’t a biblical miracle, but rather a rare meteorological phenomenon known as “animal rain”.

Waterspouts and Tornadoes: When a strong storm or tornado passes over a shallow body of water, land, or marshy area, the powerful updraft inside the vortex acts like a giant vacuum cleaner.

Suction & Elevation: Small, lightweight creatures like snails, frogs, or small fish are sucked off the ground or out of the water and carried high into the atmosphere.

The Drop: As the storm system loses energy or moves over a new location, the wind speed drops, and the heavy updraft can no longer support the weight. The objects are dropped all at once, resulting in a localized “rain” of creatures. Because snails are relatively uniform in weight, the updrafts often sort and deposit them all in the same concentrated spot, making it look like a rain cloud specifically targeted gastropods.