A man is on the 18th green, and he has a ten-foot putt for a 79, which would be his best score ever. He lines it up, but just as he’s about to stroke the ball, a funeral procession drives by. He stops, takes off his hat, and waits for it to pass. His playing partner says, “That’s the most respectful thing I’ve ever seen.” The first man replies, “It’s the least I could do. We were married for 25 years.”
A golfer, after a particularly bad round, says to his caddie, “I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.” The caddie replies, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”
A priest, a psychologist, and a CEO are playing golf. They get stuck behind a group of golfers who are incredibly slow. They’re taking a long time to find their balls and are generally holding everyone up. The priest says, “Good heavens, I’ve never seen such slow players.” The psychologist says, “It’s a clear case of indecisiveness and a lack of focus.” The CEO, furious, says he’s going to march up there and demand they let them play through. He storms off, but halfway there, he comes running back. “I can’t do it,” he says. “They’re all blind.” The priest is aghast and says, “That’s terrible. I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The psychologist says, “I feel so much empathy for their struggle.” The CEO says, “Why can’t they play at night?”
A man’s wife was an avid golfer. One day, she had a terrible accident on the course and was rushed to the hospital. The doctor came out to the waiting room and told the husband, “I have some terrible news. Your wife will survive, but she’ll be paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of her life.” The husband was overcome with emotion. The doctor continued, “And she’ll have to be fed by hand and will be incontinent. You’ll have to change her diapers.” The husband broke down sobbing. The doctor put a hand on his shoulder and said, “I’m just kidding. She’s dead.”
A man and his friend are playing a round of golf. The man shanks his tee shot deep into the woods. He goes in to look for it and finds a beautiful, enchanted golf club. He picks it up, and a genie appears. The genie says, “I will grant you one wish.” The man thinks for a moment and says, “I want a swing so pure it will win me every major tournament.” The genie snaps his fingers, and there’s a puff of smoke. The man excitedly runs back to the tee, and with a perfect swing, he sends the ball soaring 350 yards straight down the fairway. He’s ecstatic. His friend says, “That’s amazing! What did you wish for?” The man replies, “I wished for a perfect swing!” His friend says, “You idiot, you should have wished for a million dollars! You already had that swing!”
A man was playing a new course and was having a terrible day. On the 16th hole, he sliced his ball into a deep ravine. He looked down and saw a man with a scythe. He called down, “Are you the greenskeeper?” The man replied, “No, I’m the Grim Reaper. I’m waiting for the guy who designed this hole.”
A man is playing a round with his wife. On the par-3 7th, his wife hits a hole-in-one. She’s ecstatic, jumping up and down. The husband is less enthusiastic. On the very next hole, he gets a hole-in-one. He turns to his wife and says, “See? Now we’re tied.”
A man is playing a round of golf when he accidentally hits his ball into a field of buttercups. He spends ages looking for it and is getting more and more frustrated. Finally, his playing partner says, “Why don’t you just drop another ball? It’s not a tournament.” The man replies, “You don’t understand. This is my lucky ball.”
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife says, “You know, I was thinking. You love golf more than you love me.” The husband replies, “Well, maybe. But I love you more than I love tennis.”
A golfer walks into the clubhouse and orders a drink. He says to the bartender, “I’m so bad at golf, I’m thinking of taking it up professionally.”
A man is playing golf with his friend who is a terrible cheater. On the 8th hole, the friend’s ball goes into the rough. After a few minutes of searching, he shouts, “I found it!” The man walks over and sees the ball sitting perfectly on a tuft of grass. He says, “That’s not your ball.” His friend replies, “Yes, it is. It has my name on it.” The man says, “I didn’t know your name was Titleist.”
After a particularly bad shot, a golfer mutters, “I’d give anything to be a scratch golfer.” His playing partner replies, “At your age, you should be happy you can still scratch yourself.”
A man is teaching his wife to play golf. On her first swing, she completely misses the ball. He says, “You lifted your head. Keep your head down.” On her second swing, she misses again. He says, “You swung too hard. Just a nice, easy swing.” On her third swing, she misses again. He says, “Your grip is wrong. Let me show you.” He puts his arms around her from behind to demonstrate the proper grip. A man watching from the clubhouse says to his friend, “That guy is either the best golf instructor in the world or the worst husband.”
A man is playing a round of golf with his boss. On the first tee, the boss shanks his drive deep into the woods. The man, wanting to be helpful, says, “Let me go find that for you, sir.” The boss replies, “Don’t bother. I’ll just use a new ball.” The man says, “But sir, it’s a brand new Pro V1.” The boss says, “I’ve got a whole box of them in my bag.” The man thinks for a moment and says, “Sir, do you have a spare car in your garage?”
A man is playing a solo round and is having a terrible time. He’s lost several balls, duffed numerous shots, and is getting more and more frustrated. On the 12th hole, he finally hits a perfect drive, right down the middle of the fairway. As he’s walking to his ball, a man pops out of the woods and says, “Did you see a ball come this way?” The golfer, ecstatic to have finally hit a good shot, says, “Yes, I did! A beautiful drive, right down the middle!” The man replies, “Great, that’s my ball. Have you seen a terrible slice go into the woods?”
Two friends are playing golf. One of them hits his ball into the woods. After a few minutes of searching, he finds his ball nestled next to a large mushroom. Just as he’s about to hit it, the mushroom says, “If you hit that ball, I’ll turn you into a frog.” The golfer is startled but decides to take the risk. He hits the ball, and sure enough, he’s turned into a frog. His friend comes looking for him and finds the frog. The frog says, “It’s me, your friend! That mushroom turned me into a frog!” The friend is amazed and asks, “What did you do?” The frog replies, “I should have used a 7-iron instead of a wedge.”
A man is playing golf with his wife. On the 10th hole, his wife’s ball lands behind a large barn. She asks him for a ruling. He says, “According to the rules of golf, you can either play it as it lies or take a one-stroke penalty and drop it.” She decides to play it. She takes a mighty swing, the ball ricochets off the barn, hits her in the head, and kills her instantly. A few years later, the man is playing the same course with his new wife. On the same hole, her ball lands in the exact same spot. She asks him for a ruling. He looks at the ball, looks at the barn, and says, “The last time this happened, I took a double bogey.”
A man who has been a terrible golfer his whole life finally decides to take a lesson. The pro watches him swing and says, “You have one of the most unusual grips I’ve ever seen.” The man replies, “I know, it’s my own invention. I call it the ‘interlocking slice.'”
A man is playing in a Pro-Am tournament and is paired with a famous professional golfer. The pro is giving him some tips throughout the round. On the 18th hole, the man has a long putt to win the match. The pro tells him, “Aim for that blade of grass right there.” The man carefully lines up his putt, aims for the blade of grass, and sinks it. He’s overjoyed and says to the pro, “I can’t believe it! How did you know?” The pro replies, “I didn’t. I just didn’t want you to aim at the hole.”
A man is playing golf with his new girlfriend. She’s a fantastic player, and he’s getting more and more intimidated. On the final hole, she has a long, difficult putt for the win. She turns to him and says, “If I make this, you have to propose to me.” He thinks for a moment and then says, “Okay, but if you miss, you have to do the dishes for a month.”
A man is on the first tee and is about to hit his drive when he sees a beautiful woman watching him. He wants to impress her, so he takes a mighty swing, but completely whiffs. He’s embarrassed, but he tees up another ball. This time, he hits a weak dribbler that goes about 20 yards. He’s mortified. The woman walks over to him and says, “I’m a psychic, and I can tell that you’re a terrible golfer.” He replies, “I could have told you that.” She says, “But I can also tell that you’re a very kind and generous person.” He says, “How can you tell that?” She replies, “Because you’re going to give me a hundred dollars.”
A man is playing golf with his friend when it starts to rain heavily. They decide to take shelter under a large tree. After a few minutes, the man says, “This reminds me of my first date with my wife.” His friend asks, “You took her golfing in the rain?” The man replies, “No, we were both struck by lightning.”
A man is playing golf when he sees a group of ducks fly overhead. He says to his caddie, “Look at those beautiful ducks. I wish I could fly like that.” The caddie replies, “With your swing, you’re halfway there.”
A man is playing a round of golf with his priest. The man is having a terrible day and is cursing after every bad shot. The priest finally says to him, “My son, if you don’t stop that language, God is going to strike you down.” On the very next hole, the man hits his ball into the water. He lets out a string of curses. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning comes down from the sky and strikes the priest. A booming voice from above says, “Darn it, I missed again!”
A man is at the driving range, and he’s hitting balls next to a very attractive woman. He’s trying to impress her with his long drives, but he’s shanking them all over the place. Finally, she turns to him and says, “You know, if you just relax and let the club do the work, you’ll hit it much better.” He tries her advice, and sure enough, he hits a beautiful, long, straight drive. He’s amazed and says, “Wow, you’re really good at this. Are you a golf pro?” She replies, “No, I’m a yoga instructor.”
A man is playing a round of golf by himself. He gets to a par 3 with a water hazard in front of the green. He hits his tee shot, and it lands right on the edge of the water. He’s not sure if it’s in or out. Just then, a frog hops out of the water, grabs the ball in its mouth, and hops onto the green, dropping the ball right next to the hole. The man is astounded. He says to himself, “This is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen. I’m going to go to the clubhouse and tell everyone.” He walks to the clubhouse, and on the way, he sees another frog. This frog says to him, “You’re not going to believe what just happened. I was sitting in the water, and this golf ball landed right on my head. I thought I was going to drown, but then this other frog came and saved me.”
A man is playing golf with his son. The son is just learning the game and is having a tough time. On the 9th hole, the son says, “Dad, I’m really not very good at this.” The dad replies, “Son, it doesn’t matter if you’re good or not. What matters is that you’re out here with me, enjoying the fresh air and the beautiful scenery.” The son thinks for a moment and then says, “Dad, can we go to the movies?”
A man is playing golf with a new partner. The partner is a very serious player and doesn’t say a word for the first few holes. Finally, the man says, “So, what do you do for a living?” The partner replies, “I’m a hitman.” The man is a bit taken aback but tries to make conversation. He says, “So, what’s your handicap?” The partner replies, “I don’t have one. I’m a professional.”
A man is playing a round of golf with his wife. They get to a par 5, and the wife hits a great drive. She’s in a good position to reach the green in two. She asks her husband, “Should I go for it?” He looks at the long fairway, the sand traps around the green, and the water hazard to the right, and says, “Honey, do you remember that time you tried to parallel park the car and ended up on the sidewalk?” She says, “Yes.” He says, “Go for it.”
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Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!
What do you call a golfer who skips every other hole? A cowboy!
If you drink, don’t drive. Use a four iron.
Why do golfers always carry an extra ball? Just in case they need to tee off again!
What do you call a golfer who’s lost his ball? A stroke victim!
What’s a golfer’s favorite type of music? Swing!
What do you call a golfer who’s in a hurry? Tee-time traveler!
How do pro golfers stay cool during a round? They stand next to the fans!
What do you call a golfer who’s always telling jokes? A “tee”heeing comedian!
Why did the golfer always carry a pencil and paper? In case he needed to draw a lie!
Why did the golfer bring a ladder to the course? In case he wanted to reach new heights!
What do you call a golfer who can juggle three balls at once? Impressive!
Why did the golfer bring a bucket of sand to the course? In case he needed to “sand”wich his ball!
What do you call a golfer who can drive the ball 300 yards? A liar!
Why did the golfer bring a pair of binoculars to the course? To spot the “eagle”!
What’s a golfer’s favorite type of exercise? Swinging by the bar after a round!
Why don’t golfers get too upset when they miss a shot? Because they’re always “driving” for perfection!
What’s a golfer’s favorite type of footwear? “Fore”-giving golf shoes!
Why did the golfer bring an extra glove? In case he wanted to “hand” out high-fives!
How do golfers measure success? By the number of “par”-ties they have after a round!
Why don’t golfers ever make good comedians? Because their jokes are always “bogey”!
